


Hold me when I shatter

by Everything99



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Descriptions of what happened in the lab, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, He gets one and more, Hurt Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani Needs a Hug, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani and Nicky | Nicolò di Genova are in Love, M/M, Malta, Nightmares, Soft Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29373942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everything99/pseuds/Everything99
Summary: Nicky feels his tension and holds him tighter, holds Joe together as he threatens to fall apart and does not allow the nightmare to pull him back into a world full of pain and agony. “We are in Malta and we ate apricots and pomegranates and dates and figs yesterday. You took my hand and laughed at how sticky it was and when we kissed, I could taste the sweet juice of the fruit, the sun and the salt of the sea on your lips.”During their healing time in Malta Joe's sleep is haunted by memories of the lab. But Nicky is there for him as he always was and always will be.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 84





	Hold me when I shatter

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! :)
> 
> Another healing time in Malta story but honestly, there cannot be enough content of Nicky and Joe :D
> 
> I chose Graphic Depictions Of Violence because Joe has a nightmare from the torture in the lab at the beginning of this little story and I wasn't sure if this part needs an Archive Warning - so better to be safe than sorry. 
> 
> My eternal thanks to velvetneedles for beta reading once again! You're such a great help! ^_^ All remaining mistakes are my own! :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_With cold brutality and fierce determination, the scalpel cuts through his skin, severing muscles and tendons, digging mercilessly into his flesh until it hits bones and Joe wants to scream, but no sound comes out of his mouth. Out of his mouth, which opens in an excruciating, silent cry that no one can hear. Burning fire flows through his veins, setting his body in all-consuming flames that cannot be extinguished by any water in the world.  
  
Blood splatters, hot and red, the metallic smell impregnates the air and lets Joe suffocate, suffocate, suffocate. He cannot move, is trapped in his own body, which is now his grave: doomed for all eternity to die and come back to life to more horrific research_...torture _methods, never being able to find longed for peace.  
  
_Nicky...Nicolo...Where's Nicolo? _This question splits his mind like a scorching lightning bolt, sends electric shocks through his limbs and Joe is filled with panic that rises over him like a wave and crashes down on him with full force. He is whirled around by disgusting noises as the faceless doctor operates a bone saw. The electrical hum is replaced by the splintering sound of breaking ribs and the pain becomes overwhelming.  
  
Joe doesn't know what kind of noise is coming from his mouth, but he doesn't recognize his own voice in the suffering howl, the whimpering. It feels wrong, everything is wrong and artificial and dead. Dead like rotten wood, rotting meat that is being decomposed by maggots, rotten and withered. Nothing is immune to time, but now it is turning against them. How long must they endure this torment? Is there an escape from this cruel cycle of never-ending life?  
  
_Where's Nicolo? P-Please. _Despite the pain that showers down on him like caustic rain, eating its way through each of his cells and leaving behind chaos, which his body wants to repair, but cannot, because the saw cuts, cuts, cuts, his whole being is focused on Nicky. Where is his moon? The light that guides him? His safe haven? He doesn't know and that's even worse than the sight of his open rib cage, which he catches for seconds before black dots dance in his field of vision and pull him down. Lower and lower until nothing exists but darkness and his fear, his pain, his agony.  
  
Blood fills his lungs steadily like a rushing brook and finally Joe can scream, expressing the unspeakable pain as he gurgles and drowns in his own blood. Will this be their future? Doomed to drown like Quynh in her iron cage in the ocean, to taste their own blood instead of the salty water until they get used to breathing liquid metal and living red salt.  
  
“Yusuf,” the faceless doctor says, standing threatening over him, the saw in her hand still for a tiny moment. His full name is like a whiplash, snatches the little bit of himself from him that is left to him and he wants to lash out and roar how she knows his name. That she can't use his name. "Yusuf!"  
  
His blood is dripping from the saw and the doctor is faceless and cold, for her he is just an object and that for a long time._  
  
"-suf! Yusuf, _habibi_ , wake up!”  
  
A choked scream breaks out of his narrow throat and at first, he wants to defend himself against the hands that reach for him, but his body is faster than his mind, recognizes the familiar touch and gives up any resistance while Joe still has to find his way back to reality.  
  
He has a metallic taste in his mouth, frantically feels his upper body with trembling hands, looking for wounds that have long been healed, for cuts by scalpels and needles, saws and other instruments, each more cruel than the other. Though immortal, his body has a memory too, echoes of excruciating pain make him tense, Nicky's painful screams in his ear. His eyes sting, streams of hot tears pour down his cheeks.  
  
“Joe, you are safe. You are fine, _we_ are fine. I have you, _tesoro_. I've got you.” The gentle words slowly penetrate him, the Italian accent wraps itself around his heart like soothing balm and Joe suddenly loses all strength. He collapses in himself, finds comfort in the warmth of the chest at which he is pressed. A sobbing whimper cuts through the surrounding darkness like a knife and Joe only notices that the noise is coming from his throat when Nicky begins to rock him gently in his arms and hums an old melody that Joe still likes to hear. “Nobody will hurt you here, Yusuf. I promise."  
  
Like a drowning man for whom Nicky's arms are a saving wooden plank, he clings to his lover so tightly that marks would have appeared on his fair skin if immortality hadn't washed away all injuries. He continues to hear the horrific noises of the cutting saw, the dripping of blood that doesn't stop, but he trusts Nicky with his life and more, so his mind is gradually breaking away from the nightmare.  
  
"We're in Malta, Joe," Nicky continues, as if he wanted to calm a frightened child or animal and when Joe thinks that they were nothing more than guinea pigs for the doctor in the lab, his breath catches in his throat. Nicky feels his tension and holds him tighter, holds Joe together as he threatens to fall apart and does not allow the nightmare to pull him back into a world full of pain and agony. “We are in Malta and we ate apricots and pomegranates and dates and figs yesterday. You took my hand and laughed at how sticky it was and when we kissed, I could taste the sweet juice of the fruit, the sun and the salt of the sea on your lips.”  
  
_Malta_. Their place of retreat, their shelter, when everything around them threatens to be washed away in the rain. A few years ago, Joe painted the railing of their little terrace blue in an attempt to capture Nicky's eye color, but he can never get Nicky on canvas the way he deserves. He remembers that Nicky then painted yellow flowers on the blue, his tongue tucked concentrated between his teeth, and the beaming smile when Nicky turned to him after finishing his task. Nicky's open smile is what Joe now clings to because that smile is only meant for him.  
  
"You had charcoal on your cheek from sketching yesterday and I removed it with my thumb." Nicky presses his lips to Joe's forehead; his arms wrap around him securely and strong. The faded fabric of Nicky's sleep shirt under Joe's cheek is wonderfully soft and he buries his nose in it, inhales the warm, familiar smell of Nicky, but doesn't dare let go of him. “I made chicken with orange sauce while you read me the _Iliad_. After dinner we danced in the kitchen and you said you'd bring the stars and the moon out of the sky if you could, so that my eyes would be the only thing that would light up the night.” From Joe's position he cannot see Nicky's face, but he hears the slight amusement in his voice, as well as the overwhelming affection. "And I said that it would be pretty cruel for the rest of the world because my eyes shine only for you."  
  
Joe's panicked gasp turns into frantic breathing as last night takes shape in his head: Nicky's wiry, slender figure in his arms, the irrepressible warmth in his heart as the gaze of the bright eyes was fixed on him, a kiss sweet and mild as the orange sauce that became intense and endless and moved Joe to the depths of his bones.  
  
"Are you with me?" Nicky asks in a whisper, but makes no move to release Joe from his arms, although his grip is loose and not crushing. And Joe is so immensely grateful to him that he lets Joe decide for himself whether he wants to break away from Nicky or stay pressed against him.  
  
It takes a few long seconds before Joe is sure he can answer and all he gets out of his mouth is a gasping, barely audible: "Always."  
  
Nicky makes a soft sound as a sign that he heard him. "Should I turn on the light, my heart?"  
  
"No!" Joe rasps out, wanting to stay well hidden in the dark, hidden from the cold, unnatural light of the laboratory. "No! No light! No...no light."  
  
Nicky doesn't ask him what he's been dreaming about because he knows. He waits with the greatest patience for Joe to act of his own accord or to speak while he caresses his back, presses his nose into Joe's dark curls and Joe notices how the traces of the nightmare evaporate.  
  
Only when Joe no longer has the feeling of shattering into a thousand pieces when he lets go of his only anchor does he break away from Nicky. He seeks his gaze, despite the fact that his face must look terrible from crying and his hands, which reach for Nicky, are still shaking. Nicky's fingers, slender and sinewy, perfectly made for bows and sniper rifles, wrap tightly and securely around his, exerting a comfortable, grounding pressure. The Italian's eyes seem to glow, bright and warm, in the silvery moonlight falling through a gap between the curtains, although one could expect the color of his eyes would make his gaze feel cold.  
  
"I ..." He starts, suddenly not knowing what he wants to say. The words are too heavy for his tongue and he fears that he will suffocate on them. "Nicky, I...it...”  
  
"Don't," Nicky interrupts whispering the sentence, which Joe doesn't even know how to end. “Don't apologize for healing, Joe. Never for it and not for less."  
  
He lifts Joe's right hand, turns it and kisses the bared palm, then every fingertip. The touch of his lips is just gossamer like the flap of a butterfly's wings and Joe wants, _needs_ more.  
  
In one hasty motion he leans forward and catches Nicky's mouth with his; teeth clashing. Joe's tongue slides between Nicky's slightly parted lips and entangles his tongue in a dance that lets heat ripple through his veins and lifts the blackness behind his closed lids. This heat is not devastating like the memories of his nightmare, it feels cleansing and protective and builds up in his body, on and on and on.  
  
The kiss deepens with a naturalness that wraps itself around Joe's troubled interior like a protective, invisible blanket. His heart pounds against his ribs like a little bird trying to escape its bony cage, but this time not with fear. With a choked sound, he presses closer to Nicky, climbs onto Nicky's lap without stopping to kiss him so hard and desperately, as if Joe wanted to taste him. And maybe he wants that too, wants to taste and feel and have Nicky, wants to lose himself in his touch and never come to light again. Because this man who kisses him back just as hard is everything Joe ever wanted and ever wants to have.  
  
"Please..." Joe breathes, unable to suppress the slight pleading, although he is more than aware that he doesn't have to beg Nicky. Not his Nicolo. _Please replace the scalpels and needles in my skin. Please dispel the pain that is still deep in my soul. Please...Please...Please be with me._  
  
Nicky understands him without words, as he always does. They can have a whole conversation with just one glance, read in the tiniest movement of the other what is going on and what he is up to, reacting to one another like perfect mirror images. Every step of Joe is coordinated with Nicky, every breath is tied to him. The other half of his soul.  
  
Nicky looks up at him in silence, the question in his eyes is only obvious to Joe and Joe answers the same way before he feels the need to put his thoughts into words, as he has already done more than he can count. " _Habibi_ , I've never been as sure of anything in my life as I am of you," he says hoarsely, clasping Nicky's cheeks in both hands and holding his face like the most precious thing in the world. “Just as the sun does not hesitate to greet the moon with a kiss when it reveals itself in the sky and winter welcomes the gentle spring with frosty hands without thinking, so I don't need a single moment to be sure of my love for you."  
  
When the last word leaves his mouth, Joe feels a little more like himself, never at a loss for poetic descriptions that express what he feels about Nicky. Even if that overwhelming feeling of love and affection in his chest can never be fully described.  
  
Nicky's eyes glisten wet in the moonlight and the tender smile that plays around the corners of his mouth might not have been visible to most, but Joe has learned to appreciate its incredible value and to let it appear as often as possible. “I'm talking myself hoarse with romantic descriptions of yesterday and you come up with something like that. Typical."  
  
The wet-sounding little laugh just gushes out of Joe and Nicky's smile becomes wider as he'd hoped it would cause something like that. "I just have more practice in it."  
  
Nicky snorts softly and rolls his eyes in an exaggeratedly dramatic way, but the next kiss makes them both forget all words and the following seconds, minutes, hours - Joe pays no attention to time - hands grab fabric, tug at shirts and shorts. And they don't come to rest when all disturbing layers of clothing are removed, and nothing is between them.  
  
The sheet under Joe's back still contains remnants of their body heat and doesn't rub unpleasantly, because he and Nicky make sure that everything in their retreat in Malta is as perfect and cozy as possible - a home.  
  
Gasping for breath, he pulls Nicky down to him, who supports himself with one elbow next to his head and begins to cover Joe's face with kisses. Each one sends small, electric shocks through his nerve endings. And when Nicky lets his lips wander downwards Joe notices that he's pressing a kiss on every part of his body in the lab that was injured by scalpels and saws and needles. Deeply touched he has to sob, and Nicky pauses immediately, bright eyes flickering over his face in alarm, but whatever he sees in Joe's eyes makes him come back up and kiss Joe. "Oh Yusuf... _cuore mio_."  
  
"Nicky...” Joe gasps, the urge to be as close to him as possible makes his heart burst. "Nicolo..."  
  
"I'm here," Nicky replies just as breathlessly, just as quietly as if he were afraid of chasing away what they have in their bedroom at the moment. But the deep and strong bond of their centuries-old relationship exists in every moment that Joe experiences, no matter how small and normal it may be: every morning with Nicky is a gift, every coffee Nicky makes him is a blessing, every touch gives color to his life, every frown when Nicky is caught up in a book gives meaning to his actions. "I'm here and nothing will change about that."  
  
Nicky's hand goes down and Joe squirms under his touch, while prayers and senseless stammering trickle from his lips and when he's ready, he greets Nicky between his thighs and Nicky glides home, home, home in excruciatingly sweet slowness.  
  
Impatient and at the same time controlled, they stay in this position until Joe has gotten used to Nicky, hot breath caressing his collarbone and giving him goose bumps that make him shiver comfortably. His fingers dig into Nicky's strong back as he begins to move his hips and it takes Joe a heartbeat to remember how to get air into his lungs.  
  
Nicky rolls his hips again, catches his lips in a kiss at the same time and Joe melts under his attention like wax over a candle, wrapping his legs around Nicky to hold him as close as possible and eliciting a dark rumble from Nicky, which shoots down Joe's spine.  
  
With years of practice, Nicky lifts Joe's hips a little and slightly corrects his angle and suddenly Joe pushes his back through, his toes curl and he makes a choked noise, can no longer think clearly and is not bothered by the questionable sounds that come from him as Nicky picks up his pace.  
  
"Fuck...” He moans, the sensations are too much and yet never enough, never enough, blindly and helplessly he gropes for something to hold on to, his hands glide over the sheet until Nicky grabs and clutches them. _"Fuck,_ Nicky...Nic-...Nicolo..."  
  
A gentle chuckle can be heard above him. "I was hoping I would be better," Nicky teases him, choppy and unfocused, more focused on the feeling of their bodies, which fit together seamlessly like two pieces of a puzzle.  
  
Joe grins slightly, drops his head back and closes his eyes. "You are essentially be... _oh_ god...", he mumbles and realizes again that Nicky has the admirable ability to steal the words that otherwise burst out of him like a fountain.  
  
"Ts, ts, ts, are we falling into blasphemy now, Joe?" Nicky chides, amused, but takes a shaky breath and moans too. “Yusuf,” he says, Joe's name is full of tenderness and intimacy. “ _Yusuf,_ look at me. Please look at me."  
  
And because Nicky never has to ask him and Joe could never ever deny him anything, he opens his eyes and blinks at him. Nicky's dark figure above him doesn't leave room for the nightmare: the shining eyes, the glittering sweat on his forehead, the alabaster skin, the honey-colored hair that he lets grow longer, almost dark brown in the night, the wonderfully curved lips that give him a smile.  
  
He utters an inarticulate sound as he falls over the cliff, straight into lust and love, passion and the desire to protect Nicky from any harm. Nicky follows him right after, burying his face in the crook of Joe's shoulder and Joe presses his lips to Nicky's cheek, tastes sweat and _just Nicky_ and finds complete relief from the nightmare in his body and mind.  
  
A slight protest comes from him as Nicky sits up and leaves him, the echo of his touch fades on Joe's skin and it's illogical, but Joe can't help to miss Nicky immediately. With half-closed eyes he watches as Nicky comes out of the adjoining bathroom and although he wants to help, he's just lying on the bed like a marionette with its strings cut as Nicky cleans them gently and effectively.  
  
"Joe?" Nicky asks as he has carefully tucked him in and slips under the blanket too, his face turned to Joe.  
  
"Hm?" He makes. The exertions of the nightmare and probably also their act of love take their toll and Joe can't keep his eyes open, is comfortably wrapped in warmth and Nicky's smell.  
  
Nicky presses a quick, but no less sweet, kiss on his lips. "I love you. More than I can express.”  
  
Joe looks hard blinking at Nicky, his eyelids suddenly weighing tons, but he is determined to give back Nicky's words that mean more to him than anything else. "...love you too..."  
  
Nicky laughs noiselessly and puts his arms around him, unlike their usual sleeping position. “Sleep, my heart. I'll hold you.”  
  
And Joe does so, knowing that Nicky will still hold him when he wakes up.  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)
> 
> If anyone wants to chat or fangirl or ask me something or needs help with German in fics, don't hesitate and throw a rock at me or hit me up on tumblr as @lovelikedestiny. I don't bite :3
> 
> Comments, kudos and hugs from afar (I am absolutely not touch starved, nope) are appreciated! 
> 
> Stay safe! <3


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